Memorial Day Rememberence

Sitting here
In the stillness
Thoughtful
Of what lies ahead
Peacefulness, contentment
Change
Prayerful in this quietness
For those who are here
For those who are remembered

Missing the Closeness of Family

Last night, I dreamed about my dad.  It felt so real and it was good to see him.  The dream also made me realize how much I miss my family.  With both of my parents gone, all I have left are my two brothers and their families. The oldest brother lives about 30 minutes away but I hardly ever see him or his family.  His kids are grown and moving on to college and serious relationships.  He also suffers from severe depression and sometimes it is hard to be around him since I know I am prone to this ailment too.

My other brother is closer in age to me but lives three time zones behind me in Hawaii.  I haven't seen him or his family since 6 months after our mama passed. I have watched his children grow into teenagers and tweens through facebook and skype.  I would love to visit them but financially we are unable to fly to Hawaii.   When they do come stateside for their next military placement, his oldest will be old enough to drive. 

Having all this free time being off for the summer just makes me miss them all the more.  Now I know how my aging grandmother probably feels when her grandchildren live so close and don't make a point to go and see her.  So, I think this week I will make the trip down to see her just to get a bit of a family fix. Maybe my niece will go with me?

Faith Through the Eyes of a Child

Prayer...is what the pastor spoke on this morning. Asking others for prayer or praying for yourself can make a huge difference. Growing up in a charismatic/pentecostal church, I grew up believing that the God in the Bible was still performing miracles and answering prayer today. However, sometimes that faith wavers when the answer isn't what you want it to be.

When I miscarried last summer I asked God why didn't He heal the baby. I knew in my heart of hearts He could perform such a miracle. My faith wavered. As we have continued to try and have a little one, God has yet to bless us. My faith has wavered. When my husband lost his job and had to take one with half the pay making it harder to pay the bills, my faith wavered. Now, we are waiting to hear about a new job that would make life much more easier, I struggle not to see the past. I am praying hard for my faith not to waiver if the answer is no.

As I listened to the sermon this morning I was reminded of a time of prayer in my life. It was at a church skate night. My parents, brother, sister-in-law, and their two little ones were there enjoying the fellowship, as well as myself. I was skating around when my feet went out from under me and down I went doing the splits the first time ever. As I lay there in pain the one thing I remember is my three year old nephew "M", who is now fourteen, came running over and literally laid himself on my leg and started praying. Oh the faith he had at such a tender age. He just knew Jesus would take care of his "Ooh Ooh" (me).

       

I think that God was telling me not to waver in my faith and to trust in Him to take care of everything. As hard as it is to let go and let God, I need to have faith just like my nephew.

Change Is In The Air

Sometimes change is good, sometimes bad, and sometimes just bittersweet. Below is a list of changes:

1. A less stressful change: My formentioned co-worker who was tormenting me and my team teacher is moving to another school. Even though it was stressful and the things she said to us were very disrespectful and demeaning I still wish her the best at her new school. In this case, change is good.

2. We are losing a wonderful counselor. Both staff and students love her. This is bittersweet.

3. My hubby's hours at work for next week allow for him to be off at noon on my birthday, July 4th! This early change is great!

4. Family changes (working on a baby): None as of right now. This is a disappointing change that I am dealing with.

5. Personally: working on a motivational change. I am finding things overwhelming but I am plowing through and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet is my current emotion. This past weekend my stepfather remarried. My brain knew this was coming but my heart threw me for a loop. My Mama passed away almost two years ago and they were only married for three years before she passed but I felt sad that he moved on.
When my Daddy passed away my Mama mourned for several years and I knew she missed him.

When Papa C came into her life I never felt that he was taking my daddy's place but just taking us on as his kids too. He married my Mama barely a year after he lost his first wife and he is a man who needs to be married. I always wondered if his children thought that was too soon. Did they think that he had forgotten their mama? I'm sure he didn't since he was married to her over thirty years. But he was only married to my Mama for three and I feel as though she is a forgotten memory to him. I knew things would change but I didn't think I would be upset about him remarrying.

Don't get me wrong, Papa C married a wonderful woman. I even knew her before he did because we worked together at one time. My hubby and I even had dinner with them a few months back. But when he posted on his facebook that he married the love of his life it shook me up. Then of course I tortured myself and looked at the pictures too and all I could think about was Mama's wedding to Papa C.

Maybe I feel the way I do because I miss Mama and Daddy so much and most of my family is living so far away. Maybe I just want the family together like Papa C's family was this past weekend. Maybe...just maybe...

A New Start With Humility & Reflection

This weeks lesson was on humility and reflection.  As the school year is coming to an end things are still a bit stressful but a change is in the air. 
Change started on Tuesday when our principal laid herself open to her staff asking for truth.  Truth about the relationship between administration and staff.  Several times our principal's eyes were moist as she bared her heart and soul open for what would hopefully be constructive criticism in order for healing to begin. This is the mark of a leader who is willing to lead by example.
The sad thing is that not all current staff were there.  The one who needed to be humbled by this left when the bell rang.  The one teacher who is constantly feeling "whoa is me" did not choose to be a part of this healing process but this was her choice. 
I, on the other hand, am looking forward to this new start of working together as a team to benefit our students.

Time To Grow Up

You would think being on spring break that it would be relaxing and rejuvenating. It all started with a trip to my husbands hometown. Most of it was spent visiting his family and friends but apparently one of my team members thought it was the perfect time to come up with a plan.

You see, we have been having some issues at work. Mostly from a small group but it affects the whole school. We have a group of three coming up the grade levels which means one teacher is going to have to move for a year. Next year this group hits my grade level and one of us will have to move two grade levels down. This is a serious issue because two of the teachers have been there longer but me and another teacher have technology based classrooms. This is a dilemma. Rumor has it I and my partner will be staying so the other two have made this year very uncomfortable.

Her plan was to move one of us one grade below, departmentalize everyone, and make the principal move the fourth grade job share to third. This plan come on the heel of the plan she made about me and my partner both moving two grade levels below (she did this in secret). I don't know why she can't just put the students first and stop making enemies of her coworkers. She even had the audacity to tell me and my partner that she had more experience, tenure, a masters degree, etc... basically she attacked our teaching.

I wrote her a professional email telling her I would not be a part of a plan that does not put students needs first, plans my coworkers teaching careers, and she could quit looking at this like a competition. Even though I teach elementary sometimes my coworker acts like a toddler always wanting its way.

That All Consuming Name

Tears streamed down my face as I was driving home this evening. The thought of what this past weekend should have/would have held just overwhelmed me. It seems to be getting more difficult seeing the blooming pregnancies around my school knowing that soon they will have a little one to hold and one day call them mama. Questions fill my mind, the main one being will I ever get to hear that word? Mama...what an all consuming name.

Silence in the House

This week was a tough one. I lost my little Maltese, Harmony. She was a gift from my parents (who have both passed) 14 years ago. She held out as long as she could but it was time to let her go. I held her for the 30 minutes before the vet came in to help her pass. I cried and cried knowing the one thing that knew me the best was going away and not returning.

Bow season started this week and my husband and stepson went away. Without Harmony the silence was deafening. Several times I thought I should walk her, feed her, or hurry home to see her...then I would realize I was by myself.

Friendship...Know My Heart

Lately the topic of friendship has been on my mind. The loss of friendship or lets say the move from friendship to acquaintance is part of the reason my mind is on this topic.

Looking back at my life at all the friendships over the years, some are here for a season, some God has placed in your life forever, some because they want something from you, and others just by circumstance. We all have friends that fall into one of these categories. But whatever the reason I have always stuck by my friends no matter what was going on in their lives or mine.

My mother, in her thirties, found probably what became her closest and dearest friends. No matter what was going on, where they were located, through thick and thin they were friends. Friendship based on a christian foundation. They took the time to know her heart. This was true friendship. That I think is what we all long for. That friendship, centered on Christ, getting to know each other, not easily influenced because you know the other person's heart.

We can all work at being better friends to each other. I know that it is something that I strive to be. A friend that is there, waiting until needed or wanted. After talking to a longtime friend of mine about another friendship situation, she gave me some advice. She said, "They don't know you. If they truly knew you and they were your friend, they would know the truth of your heart." She was right.

Last Christmas, I had a small group of women, who have touched my life, over for brunch. They were women who inspired me professionally and spiritually, prayed for me, made me want to be a better person, and I was looking forward to many years of friendship with all of them. The sad thing is that this group may be even smaller this year...it will be those who took the time to know my heart and allowed for me to know theirs.

No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends. John 15:13

The Blessings and the Downfalls

Sitting here listening to the rain pound on the roof of the house I begin to reflect on this past week. So much has happened both good and bad and many lessons have been learned. So I begin...

The week started with promise, so much promise.

• My husband finally had a day off and all we did was spend it together! We went and had lunch at a nice Mexican restaurant and then went to the three dollar theatre and chose to see two movies. We so needed that time together.


• I actually mailed my nieces birthday cards on time for their 9th birthday. And one of the highlights was getting to skype them to hear all about their birthdays.


• Greeting my students at the door each morning is a highlight of my day. I laugh when they try to sneak by me and see if I catch it to tell them good morning.


• Scheduled many activities for my students to learn this week, from cooking rice and talking about cultures to playing Sink or Save to review for a test. Then we play on Fridays, What's the Best Part of Your Week. They love it!

Then the walls came a tumblin down...

• The tension at work can't be cut even with a knife. And me... I was told I could no longer be in no man's land. Take a stand is what I was told. You see, part of my grade level team is negative on the professional learning that is going on at school. I don't agree with them but I can see their point. This has resulted in people who I felt where my friends no longer wanting to speak with me except in passing. I was told I lost their trust and they felt I was siding with my teammates. I just want to be there for my students. I love teaching but hate the politics. I want to be the best I can be for my students and if that takes a few extra hours a week then so be it. The loss of these close relationships though hurts my heart to the core.


• Friday brought news of sadness. My Maltese, Harmony, has fallen ill. Dehydration, some kidney dysfunction, and congestive heart failure. I have had her since she was 6 months old (she is now 14 years), a gift from my now deceased parents. The vet has given her about 6 months. My heart is grieving for this upcoming loss.

As a dear friend said to me, just yesterday, God must really like me because He's given me all this and believes I can handle it. I'm not to sure I'm this strong so I asked Him to wrap me in his arms for awhile and help me through not only the blessings but the downfalls as well.

Sure Hope He Was Listening

Drivers on the road probably thought I was some road raged driver as they passed me on the highway this morning. I was on my way to have lunch with one of my best girlfriends when I decided I was angry. Not at the people around me but at my mama and God. You see, today marks her first anniversary in Heaven.

So in between the tears I continued to pour out my thoughts to God. Telling him that even though I love him that I was tired of having all this loss in my life. That it was now the season for light not darkness, life not loss. I felt a bit like Job crying out to God for help. Sure hope He was listening.

A Little Prayer Goes Along Way

I confess I have found my days going much smoother this week. Inspired by a friend of mine who has been seeking a relationship with God I have renewed my prayer life. After I drop my stepson off for school I find myself praying for those closest in my life starting with him, then moving on to those in my family, followed by my friends and then my coworkers. I then take a moment to name each of my students and lift them up to God.

This takes me back to a conversation my mama and I had before she passed. We were talking about ministry and she felt mine was in music. I won't deny that God has allowed for me to sing for his glory but I feel my ministry lies with my students. This week proved it. One little girl came up to me and asked me if I was a christian and because she opened the door for this conversation I was allowed to answer with a yes. I also play praise music in my classroom and received an email from a parent telling me her daughter told her I was playing a christian station in my room. At first I was a bit afraid until this parent said she was so happy to hear that I was playing the praise music. All I can say this is the power of prayer.

Friday Confessionals ~ Roller Coaster of Emotions

I confess... this has been a very emotional week.
I confess... seeing the two pregnant teachers at my school made me burst into tears in front of them.
I confess... that talking to them helped my heart to start healing. They both had wanted to talk to me too to make sure I was okay.
I confess... I was so busy on the phone that I passed the road to my stepson's school this morning and almost took him to work with me.
I confess... my frustration level with my team teachers was about to be explosive during the training today. It's really hard to train people when they can't shut their mouths long enough to listen!
I confess... my grief is still strong over the loss of my mama and the baby. See first confession.
I confess... I am extremely proud of my brother, who is a chaplain in the Navy. He had an article written about him in the AGTS Rapport and he was promoted to lieutenant commander.
I confess... I am nervous to see what class I get this year. Sure would like a great crop of kids this year.
I confess... that I am praying for an emotional healing.
I confess... that lately the footprints in the sand are not mine but the One who is carrying me.

Happy Birthday Mama!

Today is my Mama's birthday. This is the first of many that will be celebrated in Heaven. She is getting the best gift ever...sitting at the feet of Jesus. August 18th, however, marks a sadness here on earth. I think this day is the hardest for me because last year we had her over for dinner and cake at our house. It was a great time of fellowship. I picture her sitting on the floor of my living room playing with the dog she just received from my stepdad surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and sister.

This year my family is going to the Olive Garden. For birthdays we always seemed to end up there so in honor of Mama's birthday that is where dinner will be on August 18th. My brother's family in Hawaii is baking her a cake in remembrance of this day. I wish with all my heart I could be with them to celebrate.

Happy Birthday Mama! We miss and love you!

Dear God...

Four days late...hopes rose only to be dashed on day five. The next day I find out that two other teachers at my school are pregnant. I really felt I had moved on and could handle situations like this only to find my emotions whirl up inside me and tears pour out my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my fellow teachers and finding out before I saw them was best but the grief is still fresh in my heart.

You know my heart, my grief, my hurt, my anger, my confusion. I don't know why you chose to answer our prayers with taking our little one home to you. From my close upbringing in you I know there is a reason but I still don't understand. My heart is longing for this little one that from the beginning I gave back to you. Help my heart and head to heal from the hurt of this loss. Give me strength to make it through each day. Hold me when I cry, carry me when I can't go on, and place your arms around me when I am hurting.

Blessed to Know Her

This week out of the blue a former student of mine contacted me. She said she had been looking for me for years. She is one that I have thought about often and one that made me want to be a better teacher. Here is her story:

KB (for privacy reasons) stood out in my fourth grade class. Tall, dark haired, very shy, and a year older than everyone else KB struggled with school. She should have been in fifth grade but the year before in the middle of her original fourth grade year she was sent back to third grade and told by another teacher that she was stupid. This part angered me greatly. KB was a D and F student. This was not because she wasn't capable but because no one seemed to want to see her potential. We worked together to bring up her grades, technically she did the work and I had the fun job of praising her which came easy to such a sweet child. By the end of the year she was making D's and C's.

The following year I had the pleasure of teaching her fifth grade class. Excited with the possibilities of getting to teach her again I couldn't wait to see the results of her hard work mixed with encouragement. Before the year was out she was making B's and C's. Her doing, not mine.

In sixth grade she moved onto middle school. I was worried that her self esteem would fail her but instead she showed up in my room with an elite group of A & B students to share about middle school. I was beaming with pride.

This year she is a junior in high school, a Principal's honor roll student, taking honor's classes, and is a part of the A+ program. When she emailed me to let me know this and I was speechless.

When she found me she wrote to me the following:

I have been trying to find you forever and I am glad I did. I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I sure do miss you, You were/are the only teacher that meant so much to me. You really cared about us and you helped me in my dyslexia, shyness, and learning. You always had a hug and a smile for each of us. As you can see my spelling is getting better and my lexile reading score is the highest in my class. I think a lot of this is because of you.

This is a success story, her success, not mine. The system started to fail her at a young age and all I did was offer words of encouragement. I am the one that is blessed to know her.

Laughter Despite the Tears

Memories flood in as things fly off the table. This is what is happening as I help my aunt with her yard sale. She doesn't want to leave her nieces and nephews with the mess that our parents left us when they passed away. I personally appreciate the thought.

I feel like the lucky one of the nieces and nephews because I get to hear the family stories as items get set out on to the tables. Tears have been shed and laughter at the silly things that she, my other aunt, and my mom did as kids makes me smile. We both needed this...I needed this.

Give Yourself Permission

Yesterday I went to my aunt's house to help her get ready for her yard sale next week. When I arrived there she was well on her way to organizing and going through items. I sat there watching her go through each box and give me an explanation of the contents and what was going to happen to them. Occasionally there was hesitation on an item and she would look at me, explain, and then ask what I thought. It was as though she was wanting permission to get rid of the item. You see a lot of the items were given by family members or had memories attached.

I understand this reaction quite well as I go through my own things for a yard sale. Things I love (or like) that were given to me or have a fond memory are hard to let go of but if I don't then my house becomes full and I feel like a hoarder. Like my aunt, I don't want to leave a mess behind for others to go through (my mama was like this) so we are going through and dispersing items that we don't use or need.

The hardest part of all of this is giving yourself permission to let go. I told my aunt its okay to give ourselves this permission to let go of the item but keep the memory attached. I have to admit I think she is much better at it than me.

My Heart is Full

As I reflect on yesterday memories have been added to my mind. The house was brimming with the people I love as we celebrated my husbands 40th birthday. We haven't had a big cookout since Labor Day (the last one before mama passed away) and hearing the talking and laughing made my heart burst with joy. Connections were made between family members and friendships forged even deeper making them part of the family.

Thank you Lord for reminding me that even in the dark times I am truly blessed with loved ones. Thank you for the joy and children's laughter as it rang through my house. Thank you for a loving husband and bless him with many more happy birthdays.

Thank you Lord because my heart is full.