Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I wish...

As I was reading another friends facebook about how they are going to give birth in the next 24 hours my heart had mixed emotions. While I am truly ecstatic for my friend my heart bears pain because I would love to have one of my own. Until today I haven't even shared my true feelings with anyone.
My husband is okay either way but as we approach forty (me this year) I think he would prefer the freedom we have (since my stepson is 14 and lives with us) coming in 4 or so years. My mother says maybe we should just be the fun aunt and uncle but that it would still be okay to give her a grandchild. My doctor says I am healthy with the exception of being diagnosed with Type II diabetes last summer but am keeping under control with diet and exercise.
I am struggling with the realization that a child may never happen and I am turning 40 this summer. There are days the longing is so great that I cry. I just wish God would tell me if its going to ever happen so I can move pass these feelings.