Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Denial Is My Friend

The past month has been a whirlwind of emotion. Since my mother's sudden passing on September 9th, I feel incomplete. My emotions have run the gamut and now denial has become my friend. It gets me through the day.

Reality is about to hit me broadside this weekend. My husband and stepson will be out of town (deer season is upon us) and I will be alone as my mother's dream home is having an open house for the estate sale next Thursday.

I realize that I can no longer deny that my mama is gone. How can I when I see the home that she and my dad lovingly started to share their golden years in be sold. How can I when due to our small house the antique baby grand piano, a gift from my dad to my mom, is sold to the highest bidder? My brothers and I will lose the last tangible connection of our parents and we can't stop it.

Denial has kept me blind, deaf, and oblivious to the point that I feel I am going to fall apart if I let go of what I am hiding behind.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

So Much Left Unsaid

I called last Monday but you didn't answer. Through my sobs I told you that I loved you even though I know you won't get the message. There are so many things I wanted to share with you that happened this week but stopped myself when I picked up the phone to call again knowing that my step dad had your phone turned off.

You weren't suppose to go yet. You still had plenty of life to live. You won't see your grandchildren grow into adults or know if more are on the way. It's not fair when we just started mending our mother/daughter relationship that you left unfinished business.

It was bad enough when dad left to go home to Jesus six years ago but now your gone too. Your pain maybe gone but ours is still going strong.

You were given a second husband and had just began dreaming again and it isn't fair that you don't get to see those dreams fulfilled. We all think you knew something was up but didn't tell us. WHY? You were suppose to be around until you were old and gray not leaving us without your smile, laughter, and love.

I still needed you. I was no where near prepared for this hole in my heart and words left unsaid.