Thursday, June 30, 2011

Celebrating a Milestone

Once upon a time, (45 years ago today to be exact) a young man in the Army and a young teenage girl met up at Fort Leonardwood to tie the knot. This was not a marriage of convenience or chased by a shotgun but a marriage of young love. Their journey started out even a few years before when they met while attending the local high school.

Once married the young military man was sent to fight overseas leaving a wife and baby son behind to be looked after by relatives. They exchanged many a love letter through out this time apart leaving each letter behind for future generations to read. After returning from war, the young couple settled in together and bore two more children completing their small family.

Throughout their married life they endured many trials even divorcing for a short time only to find their way back to each other. They realized each other was not perfect but it was their faith in God that kept them together. They displayed this faith for their three children so that they would learn to survive both the good and bad in life.

Thirty eight years into their marriage the man was taken from the woman in an instant. It was unexpected throwing the woman into years of grieving for the love she had lost. She was given the opportunity to love again but it was short lived. For last year her broken heart finally gave out. She loved her second husband but it was time to join her life mate in Heaven.

Even though these two amazing people, my parents, were not perfect they tried their best to show that with God all things are possible. Today would have been their 45 anniversary. Mama just had to celebrate that milestone with Daddy this year. You both are deeply loved and missed by all your children and grandchildren but I know that you are together with our Heavenly Father celebrating love.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Unexpected Moments

For a week now I have known that my husband and stepson were headed out camping. It was the topic of conversation many a time because my husband wanted to "Duel Survival" during his camping trip. For those of you who don't know this is a television show that we watch where two men go out in certain situations and show you how you can survive. Of course their duel survival week wouldn't be as drastic of a situation.

What I didn't know was how I would feel once they left. Now mind you I know that they are coming home but the anxiety was building up. Both were told to charge cell phones and I would expect a daily call from one of them. Last night I called my husband only for the phone to go to voice mail. I will admit a bit of panic set in and I was getting upset (typically if he doesn't answer I get an immediate call back, this did not happen). When my husband finally called (about 20 minutes later) I burst into tears and was visibly upset with him. This was an unexpected moment for me. I did not think this would be my reaction.

We talked about even though I was used to him being gone for hunting, etc. this time was different. This past year has been a year of loss with my Mama and then the recent loss of our little baby boy. I know that my anxiety stems from these losses. I was afraid to lose my husband and if I lost him I would also lose my stepson. This did not set right with me.

There are many things a person can do when feeling this way. I am glad that I was taught to pray and that if I couldn't pray myself call someone who could. Of course the second choice isn't great if its 10:30 at night. However, even though I don't like them being far away I called my sister-in-law in Hawaii (the military just transferred them there). She is amazing and got my mind off of what was happening and I know that even though she was busy she would take the time to pray. When we hung up a calmness came over me and I was able to sleep.

I know that this feeling of loss will not always go away but how I deal with it makes a difference.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day Daddy...You Are Missed

It has been approximately seven years since I last celebrated Father's Day with the man who helped bring me into this world. He was not perfect but he was a great dad. So today I want to share what I miss most about him in honor of Father's Day...

Love of family. He would do anything for a family member with no thought to himself. He believed in that in laws, steps, and halves were not a title but just family.

Love of his grandbabies. He will never know any of these from me with the exception of the one who joined him in Heaven last week. My dad was made to be a Papa. His eyes lit up when any of his grandbabies entered the room.

His generous and kind heart. I remember when visiting him on a job site in Vegas I overheard a conversation between him and his worker. His worker thanked my dad for helping get his son out of jail and then for giving the same son a job. My heart was very proud of my dad.

Love of cars. He would take even us girls to the car shows with him. He usually picked most of the cars I drove. My favorite to drive was the 1960's era Tornado.

There is so much more I love about him that I would be writing for days. But for now the memories are flooding in and my heart aches to see my daddy again.

Friday, June 17, 2011

He May Not Be Mine

My spirits are lifted and I hope they stay this way for a bit. After two weeks at his mom's my stepson has returned and oddly I find myself in a good mood despite what happened last week.

I really lucked out when I married my husband. You see it was a two for one deal. He had custody of his son so T would be living with us. He is a great kid once we got through the "your not my mom" stage. I feel as a stepmother I am blessed.

However, he was hoping I would have entered his cave and cleaned it up a bit before he got home. So I compromised and by the end of the day we had a floor we could see and a smell we could tolerate. We even had a great conversation about the baby when we went to Walmart. He shared with me his relief of not having a little brother with a disability or that we would have had a still birth. It touched me when he told me it made him sad to see us hurt and that we lost his baby brother.

He may not be mine but he has intertwined himself into my heart as if he were my own flesh and blood.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Long Road But Not Traveled Alone

After a much difficult weekend of too much thinking I felt myself headed down into the valley. Not a place I want to go since my family has a history of depression and lack of overcoming without being medicated. When I feel this way I start looking for alternate solutions. It's not that I don't want to grieve or wallow in my pain but it is the fact I am afraid of not coming out of it, of staying in the depths and drowning.

So after much looking on the Internet and calling the doctor's office for more information I have located a few support groups that help with the grief over losing an unborn child. One of those groups is called MEND or Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death. I talked to the person in charge and felt a relief that I have a place to go to grieve with others who understand.

My husband and I will also attend another support group for neonatal death that I found through the doctors office so this will give us choices to find what is comfortable for us. As my sister-in-law said to me go more than once, don't judge the group based on one visit. I am in full agreement with her especially when it comes to the healing process.

Friday, June 10, 2011

What We Hold So Dear

Wednesday is a blur. Up at 4:30, the hospital by 5:30, home by 10. My husband took amazing care of me and didn't even complain when he bought me a $3.50 cup of coffee. I slept most of the day due to medicine.

Thursday was a much different story. Physically I am sore but emotionally I was numb. That is until one of my dear friends brought me a gift. The gift was the Angel's Embrace by Willow Tree. This angel represents what we hold so dear. As you can see in the picture the angel is embracing a little boy. I know my friend bought this particular angel to represent the little boy I was pregnant with that is now in God's hands being loved. I broke down in tears and found myself reaching down to my stomach wishing our little one had lived.

I realize that I have some rough days ahead. Little things will set my emotions whirling and longing for a different outcome. But today... today I want to curl up and embrace what I hold so dear.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weary and Burdened But God Will Give Us Rest

Come to me, all ye who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon me and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:25-30

I am weary but this reminds me in a time of sorrow that I am not alone. Yesterday we received the news that at 17 weeks we lost our little boy. Our hearts are breaking but we will take our rest in God.

Tomorrow morning I will enter the hospital pregnant but will leave empty handed because the Lord decided to keep our little one with him. I just need to remember that God has a plan for this time of sorrow.