Friday, August 19, 2011

Friday Confessionals ~ Roller Coaster of Emotions

I confess... this has been a very emotional week.
I confess... seeing the two pregnant teachers at my school made me burst into tears in front of them.
I confess... that talking to them helped my heart to start healing. They both had wanted to talk to me too to make sure I was okay.
I confess... I was so busy on the phone that I passed the road to my stepson's school this morning and almost took him to work with me.
I confess... my frustration level with my team teachers was about to be explosive during the training today. It's really hard to train people when they can't shut their mouths long enough to listen!
I confess... my grief is still strong over the loss of my mama and the baby. See first confession.
I confess... I am extremely proud of my brother, who is a chaplain in the Navy. He had an article written about him in the AGTS Rapport and he was promoted to lieutenant commander.
I confess... I am nervous to see what class I get this year. Sure would like a great crop of kids this year.
I confess... that I am praying for an emotional healing.
I confess... that lately the footprints in the sand are not mine but the One who is carrying me.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Happy Birthday Mama!

Today is my Mama's birthday. This is the first of many that will be celebrated in Heaven. She is getting the best gift ever...sitting at the feet of Jesus. August 18th, however, marks a sadness here on earth. I think this day is the hardest for me because last year we had her over for dinner and cake at our house. It was a great time of fellowship. I picture her sitting on the floor of my living room playing with the dog she just received from my stepdad surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and sister.

This year my family is going to the Olive Garden. For birthdays we always seemed to end up there so in honor of Mama's birthday that is where dinner will be on August 18th. My brother's family in Hawaii is baking her a cake in remembrance of this day. I wish with all my heart I could be with them to celebrate.

Happy Birthday Mama! We miss and love you!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dear God...

Four days late...hopes rose only to be dashed on day five. The next day I find out that two other teachers at my school are pregnant. I really felt I had moved on and could handle situations like this only to find my emotions whirl up inside me and tears pour out my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for my fellow teachers and finding out before I saw them was best but the grief is still fresh in my heart.

You know my heart, my grief, my hurt, my anger, my confusion. I don't know why you chose to answer our prayers with taking our little one home to you. From my close upbringing in you I know there is a reason but I still don't understand. My heart is longing for this little one that from the beginning I gave back to you. Help my heart and head to heal from the hurt of this loss. Give me strength to make it through each day. Hold me when I cry, carry me when I can't go on, and place your arms around me when I am hurting.